This is our story from infertility to adoption.
Even before we were married, my husband and I would sit up late at night and daydream about our children. They might be athletic like him or creative like me. They would certainly be tall, as we both are. We knew they would be compassionate and kind, probably shy. We would go to bed feeling excited for our children, little people who would be a little bit of him and a little bit of me.
The day we were married we began trying to get pregnant. We could not wait to become parents. On our honeymoon we were both convinced I was pregnant, and I even had myself feeling symptoms and blaming them on our baby growing in my belly. When the pregnancy test came back negative a few weeks later I remember feeling confused–there must be a mistake. I took a lot of negative pregnancy tests that month.
By the second month of not conceiving I knew something wasn’t right. We were told it was normal and to try for a year before going to the doctor. So we did, and each month our hearts broke a little more. Finally, on the fifteenth month, I knew for sure I was pregnant, it felt completely different this time…and yet, the test was still negative. That day was our turning point. We knew it would either be fertility treatments or adoption, and we both felt adoption deeply in our hearts, so we began the process.
It wasn’t until six months later that we did go get checked out by a doctor and find that we were truly infertile. It was awful not getting pregnant, and it was frustrating during the waiting process to think I had to rely on a stranger to provide for me what all my friends could do on their own.
From Infertility To Adoption
I will say though, I never grieved those little people who were a little bit my husband and a little bit me because I was certain they were still coming for me. From reading and talking to other people about their infertility struggles, I have come to find that my outlook is not the most common. Grief is very much a part of many people’s infertility, and I can definitely understand why. Instead of grieving though, I felt certain it was a only roadblock and I was still on the right path to meet my children.
The waiting process was dreadful for me, I remember going to bed at night, often in tears because I could feel my baby resting on my heart. I would talk to her and ask her to have her birth mom email me so we could be together. Every day felt like a year. My husband bought me a smartwatch so I could get all my adoption notifications immediately. I would feel it buzzing even when it wasn’t. I would check my agency’s waiting list multiple times a day. I couldn’t go a second without thinking if my baby was out there, in his or her birth mom’s belly wondering when I was going to find them.
We had two adoptions fall through which was absolutely devastating. I began to wonder if I would ever get to be a mom or would I just wait and wait forever? Then, on a crisp fall afternoon we received an email from our daughter’s birth mom. I had a different feeling about her right away, something told me that this was really it.
Thirteen days later we were in an unfamiliar state in a hospital room, waiting for our baby to be delivered to us. I had often wondered during the adoption process what it would feel like to see my child for the first time. Would I cry? Would I feel overwhelming love? I did cry and feel overwhelming love, but the strongest feeling as I looked into her face the first time was one of recognition. I never expected to feel that, but it was so strong. I was certain it was her little spirit that rested on my heart all those months as I waited for this day.
Now she is ten months old, and she really is a little of my husband and a little of me; she is the child we daydreamed about all those years ago. We knew she was coming for us, she just had to find out how to get here. Now that we have adopted, I can’t imagine creating our family any other way. I can’t envision our lives without our daughter’s birth parents and grandparents and all the love they bring to us. So for me, it is impossible to grieve the loss of my would-be biological children, because I know I haven’t lost them at all. My children will find their way to me and in the meantime, their spirits live in my heart.