An adoption forum is an online community specifically focused on adoption. While these forums are typically controlled by administrators and moderators, their content is created by those who choose to participate in the community. There are usually a set of rules or guidelines that govern the community, mostly to help maintain decorum and topic, however, the content will vary based on the topics posted daily. The topics posed are typically posted by users within the forum, those being anyone who has been touched by adoption. The forum may also be separated by category or discussion topic. 

To utilize an adoption forum, you typically create an account to join the community. One of the most popular, active, and efficient communities can be found at Adoption.com. Once you have done so, you can use the sites discussion tools to pose whatever adoption questions you may have. The anonymity of the forum process helps to make you feel a little safer asking questions you may feel “silly” or even a little too personal to ask your agency or attorney. After a question has been posted, community members have the option to answer or comment on your question. You will also have the opportunity to answer or comment on questions to which you feel you can contribute. The quid pro quo atmosphere is what makes a forum successful and self-maintained. 

There will likely be many times throughout your adoption process that you have questions that your adoption experts cannot answer. Many times, your attorney or agency simply won’t be able to get back to you in a timely manner. It is in these times that adoption forums are the most useful and appreciated. Adoption forums can also be used to simply vent frustrations, share triumphs, mourn losses, and be a part of a community bigger than yourself. The adoption journey can sometimes feel very lonely. People who are not associated with adoption may be supportive but may not always understand every aspect and the adoptive parent has to endure. Adoption forums are an integral part of maintaining emotional health and feeling additional support throughout your adoption process.

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1. 1. Help Us Adopt is a 501(c)(3) organization that has awarded over 240 grants totaling over 2 million dollars. There is no application fee and the grant supports international, domestic or foster care adoption. It awards grants to families and individuals with no discrimination in amounts of up to $15,000. This company has an online application, gives you a list of specified supporting documents and can only make payment to a licensed agency or lawyer.  This grant is awarded four times annually with deadlines being December 14, March 30, June 15 or September 14. You must have a completed home study to qualify.
   2. National Adoption Foundation offers adoption grants in the amount of $500-2,000. It includes an easy one-page grant application and the foundation’s primary concern is a home study. It does not have to be completed, mid-process is acceptable. It can be used to fund domestic, private, international or special needs adoptions.  There is no income requirement. The foundation’s board meets quarterly to award adoption grants.
   3. A Child Waits Foundation offers grants up to $5,000 to US Citizens pursuing International adoption. This foundation requires that you’re already working with a 501(c)(3) agency. The grant is available to all families regardless of marital status, race, religion, or national origin. The foundation also offers loans and there is a $20 dual application fee.
   4. The Never Alone Foundation offers three unique grant opportunities. Hannah’s Halo, Zoe’s Rainbow and Lucy’s Love. They serve families who adopt children internationally, with significant medical needs, or with issues attaching to their new families. The foundation encourages you to pay close attention to deadlines. They do not save late applications for the next grant cycle.    
   5. United Healthcare Children’s Foundation offers medical grants to families with children who have significant medical needs. There are financial requirements, as well as, medical and insurance requirements. Their website has an extensive list of requirements and exclusions. You’ll want to read them carefully to make sure that your family qualifies.  

While the adoption process can be stressful on your finances, these grant options can be a relief to you and your family. Allowing you to put the excitement and focus into the most important thing, your new child.  

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Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART for short) covers a wide variety of treatments with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Jumping into treatments involves tons of acronyms for expensive procedures – IUI, IVF, GIFT, to name a few – and may or may not be covered by your insurance. Depending on the infertility diagnosis, a RE may start you on any of the many paths to having a successful pregnancy. 

• Follicle stimulation medication – This medication will (hopefully) produce several follicles with healthy eggs. Your RE will monitor their development until you’re ready to ovulate, which they will control with another medication. At this point, your RE may recommend regular intercourse, or you may need to move on to IUI.
• Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) – For this procedure, your RE will take a semen sample from your partner or your donor and wash it so the sperm is separated from the fluids. A catheter will be inserted through your cervix, and the sperm will be pushed through the catheter. This should give the sperm a head start toward those healthy eggs you’ve ovulated.
• In Vitro Fertilization – Your RE will retrieve the eggs from the follicles during a procedure at the fertility clinic. Your eggs and the sperm will be mixed in a petri dish or a single sperm can be selected and injected into a single egg (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, ICSI), and any embryos that result in that process can be graded, tested, transferred, or stored. Healthy embryos can be transferred 3-5 days after retrieval in a similar process to the IUI. This catheter, however, is guided by an ultrasound image to give the best chances for pregnancy.

Adoption is another path to parenthood. Under the adoption umbrella, there are many options to consider.

• Domestic or International? Choosing where to adopt from is one of the biggest decisions you’ll make when you choose adoption to build your family. Domestic adoptions can be through foster care, an agency, or a lawyer. International adoptions are facilitated through an agency. You should understand the laws and requirements of any country you are interested in adopting from.
• Agency or lawyer or foster care? Many families hoping to bring a newborn or young child into their family choose to work with an adoption agency or a private lawyer. Foster care is also an option, often the least cost prohibitive, though reunification with the family is a goal of foster care.

Adoption is not pregnancy. Before you choose to adopt, be sure that you have processed through the grief infertility can bring. Adoption is an option for building a family, not a second-best or last resort, and should be approached with its own joy and hope.

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So, what do you need to know about adopting after infertility?

You need to know that people will be excited for you! Our families were thrilled about our news to grow our family through adoption. Infertility had weighed heavily on them, too. They also felt the emptiness of our home and knew how much we wanted to be parents. The decision to move to adoption shifted our focus from “if” to “when.” Once we completed the home study and were a waiting family, we knew that for us parenthood was just a matter of a phone call. We knew it could be a long wait, but we felt hopeful that we would be parents soon. Adoption took away everyone’s anxieties about treatments, two-week waits, and financial strains.

You need to know that many adoption agencies do not want prospective adoptive parents to pursue both adoption and fertility treatment. Agencies want families who are fully committed to adoption, and fertility treatments can split that focus. It was an easy decision for us, but you may need to take the space and time to grieve the loss of biological ties to a child before you are ready to begin the adoption process. It can be a long, intense process, so your heart and mind should be invested solely in adoption.

You need to know that adoption is not an infertility cure. Infertility blocked one of our paths to parenthood, but adoption showed us that there are many ways to be grow our family. If your end goal is to be a parent, adoption is an excellent option. We heard many well-meaning people say, “Now that you’ve adopted, you’ll get pregnant” over and over again. It was incredibly hurtful, as if adoption was a way to get pregnant or that pregnancy was our end goal. Resolve, the National Infertility Association, found that there was no difference in pregnancy rates for couples who adopted versus those who did not. Imagine our surprise when we found out our three month old would be a big brother because I was pregnant. I fiercely spouted off the Resolve stats to anyone who would listen during my pregnancy. Although we are one of “those couples,” we know that our story is not typical and advocate this often.

You need to know that infertility wounds can heal, but the scars may remain. Infertility is messy. It can play host to some of the worst emotions we can experience and don’t want to readily admit. I hoped they would melt away when our son was placed in my arms, but they just became less intense. I’m not proud of my reactions to pregnancy announcements while we were in the throes of fertility treatments, but they were honest, raw emotional moments. After adopting our son, I still felt that jealousy rise up within me, but it was subdued. Even after a surprise pregnancy, I feel annoyed when I see a pregnancy announcement. Infertility will always be a part of our story, so it’s important to recognize its bubbling effects even after resolving infertility. 

You need to know that your heart can hold more love than you knew possible. Of course, your heart will overflow with love for your child. But your heart will carry love and grace for your child’s birth family forever. I am still amazed at the courage of our son’s birth mom and birth dad, and I am so grateful that they were surrounded with support in their decision. Adoption has humbled me in ways I could not imagine. I hope I am the mother that my son’s birth mom imagined when she selected our profile, and I am deeply grateful that she chose us to raise her son. In the chaos and challenges that parenting has presented, I know my cup runneth over thanks to selfless love of others.

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Don’t Disappear. Often during tough times, people don’t know what to say or do, so they avoid the affected person. This is one of the worst things you can do. Make sure you stay in touch with a simple phone call or note to let her know you care. You may not be able to take away her pain or solve her problems, but shutting her out of your life will only make her feel more alone and could even damage the relationship.

Be Supportive. Sometimes a simple hug or a few words to let someone know you’re there if they need to talk can go a long way. After suffering two miscarriages and waiting more than six years to become a parent, I was devastated, heartbroken, and lost. I didn’t want to burden others with my problems, but just knowing that friends and family were there for me helped to ease my pain.

Share Your Own Story. Did you have problems conceiving or did you suffer a miscarriage? Don’t be afraid to share your own story. Dealing with infertility can be a lonely road, and those affected often feel like others don’t understand. Talking a little about your own struggles may help someone facing infertility feel a little less alone. And, if your story had a positive outcome, that could give the person hope as well.

Don’t Pressure. Family events — especially holidays and baby showers —can be very difficult for someone struggling with infertility. Surrounded by family, happy smiling children, and cute little babies is pure torture if you’re yearning for a family of your own. Try not to pressure the person to attend every event and certainly don’t suggest they should just try to be happy. There is no set way to grieve. They are allowed to feel however they need to feel to get through the tough times. If an event is too upsetting, it’s okay for them to skip it or leave early. Don’t take it personally. Remember, this is their struggle, not yours. 

Recommend Services. Do you know a fertility specialist, a good therapist or a professional that could help? By all means, share these recommendations. Your suggestion could make difference for someone. However, it’s important to note that sharing recommended services is different from giving unsolicited advice such as “just relax, you’ll get pregnant.” Comments such as these aren’t helpful and could even make the person feel worse. Infertility is never someone’s fault, and there is often no easy solution.

Consider a Kind Gesture. Another way you can help is to do something special for the person to let them know you care. Write a kind note or send a card, have a bouquet of flowers delivered to their house, bring over a casserole, or treat them to lunch. They will appreciate that someone thought of them and took the time to do something nice. And, long after the pain has subsided, they will remember these thoughtful gestures with a smile.

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This is our story from infertility to adoption.

Even before we were married, my husband and I would sit up late at night and daydream about our children. They might be athletic like him or creative like me. They would certainly be tall, as we both are. We knew they would be compassionate and kind, probably shy. We would go to bed feeling excited for our children, little people who would be a little bit of him and a little bit of me.

The day we were married we began trying to get pregnant. We could not wait to become parents. On our honeymoon we were both convinced I was pregnant, and I even had myself feeling symptoms and blaming them on our baby growing in my belly. When the pregnancy test came back negative a few weeks later I remember feeling confused–there must be a mistake. I took a lot of negative pregnancy tests that month.

By the second month of not conceiving I knew something wasn’t right. We were told it was normal and to try for a year before going to the doctor. So we did, and each month our hearts broke a little more. Finally, on the fifteenth month, I knew for sure I was pregnant, it felt completely different this time…and yet, the test was still negative. That day was our turning point. We knew it would either be fertility treatments or adoption, and we both felt adoption deeply in our hearts, so we began the process.

It wasn’t until six months later that we did go get checked out by a doctor and find that we were truly infertile. It was awful not getting pregnant, and it was frustrating during the waiting process to think I had to rely on a stranger to provide for me what all my friends could do on their own.

From Infertility To Adoption

I will say though, I never grieved those little people who were a little bit my husband and a little bit me because I was certain they were still coming for me. From reading and talking to other people about their infertility struggles, I have come to find that my outlook is not the most common. Grief is very much a part of many people’s infertility, and I can definitely understand why. Instead of grieving though, I felt certain it was a only roadblock and I was still on the right path to meet my children.

The waiting process was dreadful for me, I remember going to bed at night, often in tears because I could feel my baby resting on my heart. I would talk to her and ask her to have her birth mom email me so we could be together. Every day felt like a year. My husband bought me a smartwatch so I could get all my adoption notifications immediately. I would feel it buzzing even when it wasn’t. I would check my agency’s waiting list multiple times a day. I couldn’t go a second without thinking if my baby was out there, in his or her birth mom’s belly wondering when I was going to find them.

We had two adoptions fall through which was absolutely devastating. I began to wonder if I would ever get to be a mom or would I just wait and wait forever? Then, on a crisp fall afternoon we received an email from our daughter’s birth mom. I had a different feeling about her right away, something told me that this was really it.

Thirteen days later we were in an unfamiliar state in a hospital room, waiting for our baby to be delivered to us. I had often wondered during the adoption process what it would feel like to see my child for the first time. Would I cry? Would I feel overwhelming love? I did cry and feel overwhelming love, but the strongest feeling as I looked into her face the first time was one of recognition. I never expected to feel that, but it was so strong. I was certain it was her little spirit that rested on my heart all those months as I waited for this day.

Now she is ten months old, and she really is a little of my husband and a little of me; she is the child we daydreamed about all those years ago. We knew she was coming for us, she just had to find out how to get here. Now that we have adopted, I can’t imagine creating our family any other way. I can’t envision our lives without our daughter’s birth parents and grandparents and all the love they bring to us. So for me, it is impossible to grieve the loss of my would-be biological children, because I know I haven’t lost them at all. My children will find their way to me and in the meantime, their spirits live in my heart.

To find more stories like this one and adoption message boards or forums, visit Adoption.com/forums. This story was brought to you by AdoptionGifts.com.

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When it comes to adopting foster children, there are a multitude of questions that prospective adoptive parents have. “Will the child be ready for adoption?” “Can we handle any major problems? What if our hearts get broken?” These are just a few of the questions swirling around in the minds of prospective foster/adoptive families.

One question that also comes up is, “Will my adopted foster children call me Mom?” While this is an important topic, it should not be on the top of every soon-to-be foster/adoptive mother’s mind. Let me give you an example.

A foster mom that I know took in a little girl who had suffered horrific sexual abuse perpetrated by many people who should have protected her. This girl was tough as tough can be. She carried a deep pain that often resulted in moments of angry outbursts. After she became eligible for adoption, the foster parents decided to adopt her. They advocated for her, met her needs, protected her, followed through on recommendations, and helped her heal. Eight years later, this child called her foster mother, “Mom.” It took eight years, but it was so worth it.

When children become eligible for adoption, it is often after at least a year (usually more) of efforts to reunify with their biological parents. Children who have lived with their biological parents prior to coming into foster care may feel torn between loving their biological parents and attaching to their foster parents. It is not that they are rejecting calling their prospective mother, “Mom.” It is just that acknowledging someone else as mom, could cause a sense of betrayal.

Children who find themselves caught up in the world of foster care and in need of adoption have been dealt a difficult hand. It is completely understandable and appropriate for them to long for their biological parents and to miss them. These children have suffered abuse and neglect and are dealing with the impact of it on their lives–whether that is physical, emotional, or social, or all at once.

Instead of focusing on whether or not an adopted foster child will call you Mom, focus on doing the absolute best you can do to fulfill that role. Meet them where they are at. Be present during the good, but especially during the bad. Don’t be scared of hard questions or decisions, and don’t let a day go by that you do not speak worth into their lives.

Will your adopted foster children call you Mom? Probably so, but of course, there is no guarantee. Don’t get caught up in the title, though. If you are loving your child, laughing at unexpected times, wiping tears away, disciplining when required, encouraging when needed, and waking up every single day with the determination to help your child heal, you are a mom. Don’t forget that.

To join in on the adoption discussions, and find adoption forums, visit Adoption.com/forums.

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